How to stop the needy and clingy behavior before it ends your relationship

By Shoshana Jackson

Is your needy and clingy behavior driving your boyfriend away

Are you giving your man the space he needs in your relationship

Is your neediness causing problems in you relationship?

Needy and clingy behavior can ruin a relationship.

A healthy relationship has boundaries. Each partner should have a life of their own, their own friends and activities.

When you become needy and clingy you begin to violate your partner need for space. When you take away this space you cause resentment and anger in your relationship.

There are many reasons why women become needy and clingy. Whatever the reason is, in the end either you end up with a codependent relationship or no relationship at all.

A healthy relationship is based on trust and respect. You need to be able to trust that your man is the type of person who will be there for you and you need to respect his boundaries.

If you came into your relationship as a cool, confident woman, your man may wonder what happened. What’s difficult about answering that question is, what changed may not be something caused by your current relationship.

As you end a relationship and enter a new one, you bring any unresolved baggage with you. If there were trust issues in your past, you will still have those feelings, even if this partner gives you no reason to doubt him.

That’s why the secret to ending your needy and clingy behavior is to work on resolving the issues that are triggering this fear and doubt.

Here are some things you can do:

1. Start Loving Yourself Again

As your needy and clingy behavior starts, you will start feeling bad about yourself. Doubting yourself. You may wonder what your man sees in you, since you can no longer see the woman you were.

Ask yourself:

  • What do I like about myself?
  • What makes me special?
  • What talents, skills or abilities do I have?
  • What type of woman do I want to be?
  • Have I ever been this woman? What changed?
  • What things do I want to change about myself? Why?

Take a minute to look at who you want to be? Do you want to make those changes for yourself or because of what someone else is telling you. It’s hard to love yourself when you have people around you being critical of who you are right now.

Surround yourself with people who love you and want to help you rediscover love for yourself and eliminate the negative people from your life.

You need to have a healthy relationship with the important people in your life.  In some cases this may mean ending some of your relationships.

2. Have a Life of Your Own

A relationship is two individuals coming together. That means you are still you, you should have your own life. If your life revolves around your man and your relationship that will over time, push him away.

Ask yourself:

  • Do I arrange to spend time regularly with my friends and family?
  • Have I given up activities and hobbies that I love because my man is not interested in them?
  • Do I resent my man having friends?
  • Does it upset me that he like to do things without me?
  • Do I think a couple should spend all of their free time together?

In a healthy relationship there needs to be space. You need to spend time apart. This time is important because it allows you to develop on your own and helps in your growth as a couple.

When you try to force your man to give up his space because you want to be together, he’ll resent it and at times may feel manipulated by your actions. In the short term you may get him to spend time with you, but in the end you’ll lose him.

You’ll need to discover the joys of life apart from your partner. Having separate activities and interests will also give you something to talk about. This will also help reduce your needy and clingy behavior and make you a more interesting person to be around.

3. Learn How to Trust Him

Relationships are built on trust. If trust is lacking in your relationship, you’ll find that it’s hard to form the bond necessary for a strong relationship.

Ask yourself:

  • Do I trust my man? Do I think he is honest? Do I think he lies to me?
  • Have I been cheated on before?
  • Am I worried that this will happen again with my new man?
  • Do I find myself checking his phone or computer? Do I look through his pockets?
  • Do I worry that he’ll be tempted by a woman he meets? Do I worry he’ll leave me?
  • Has he cheated on his ex or me before and I worry it will happen again?

You can drive yourself insane, worrying about “what ifs.” That “what if” may never happen. You can’t worry about what might happen. If he has not given you a reason to doubt his honesty, you need to look at why you don’t trust him.

Is it something in your past? Is it a behavior he displays like flirting with other women? To save your relationship you’ll need to work with him on rebuilding trust in your relationship. If not, your relationship will surely end.

You cannot have a healthy relationship without trust. You will continue to have needy and clingy behavior if you stay in a relationship with someone you don’t trust. You need to resolve these trust issues for your relationship to survive.

4. Plan Your Time Together

Fear of the unknown can trigger needy and clingy behavior. If you don’t know what’s going on in your relationship, when you’ll see him next or when he’ll call, this can cause anxiety.

Ask yourself:

  • Do I know when I’ll see him next?
  • Would a regular date night make me feel more comfortable?
  • Does he call me regularly?
  • Would I feel less anxious if I knew we would talk at the same time each day?
  • Would I be willing to respect his needs for space if I knew we would spend time together?

This is something that will reassure you. This is something you’ll need to work on with your man. He has to be willing to do this. If he’s not willing to make this time that you need a priority, then you need to decide if this is the relationship you need to be in.

This isn’t something you’ll need forever, just until you feel more secure in your relationship. In time you’ll notice that you’ll display less needy and clingy behavior. Working on trust issues will help build a healthy relationship.

5. If There’s A Reason For Your Behavior, Let Him Know

Sometimes you know why you have needy and clingy behavior. It might be because of your past. It may be because of his behavior. Whatever the reason is, you need to let him know.

Ask yourself:

  • Does something that happened in my past trigger this behavior?
  • Have I ever dealt with this issue?
  • Is if something that he does that triggers this behavior?
  • Have I ever discussed this with him?
  • Is there something in my life that triggers this behavior?
  • Am I dealing with this issue?

Communication is very important when dealing with needy and clingy behavior. You need to be able to discuss what you’re feeling with your partner. If he understand why this is happening it can help him to help you.

Think about why you have trust issues. Think about when you showed needy and clingy behavior in the past. If you only have this behavior in relationships ask yourself why.

If he is unwilling to discuss this with you or listen to your concerns, you need to decide if you want to stay in this relationship.

What should you do to stop your needy and clingy behavior?

Start by working on yourself. Your relationship can be saved if you and your partner are willing to work together. As you rediscover the confident woman you once were, you will be rebuilding your relationship.

Do you think needy and clingy behavior is ruining your relationship? Has trust issues ever caused the end of your relationship? Share your story.

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11 Responses to Needy and Clingy Behavior? Trust Issues Can End Your Relationship

  1. Paula the CNA says:

    Pretty nice post and helpful. I’ve done some of these things especially when I didn’t have much time for myself during my CNA training. Hopefully this will help me. Anyway, I just stumbled upon your blog today and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed browsing your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon!

    • I’m glad you enjoy my blog Paula.
      I know quite a few people who experienced needy and clingy behavior in their relationship when they went back to school.

      Usually it was because they didn’t have time to spend with their partner. It’s important to make time even if it’s for a few hours a week. And during that time you should be something fun.

      That will help you feel more confident about your relationship and help you relax. Being relaxed will also do wonders for your coursework.

  2. knollersquin45 says:

    thank you for your article. I felt that I’ve been clingy and needy when my bf has done something in the past that hurt me and then he became so busy at work and we just spend less than half an hour a day to communicate via phone call and we only have sunday for ourselves. I’m having a hard time with it and I want to fully become understanding with our situation. Its just sometimes I dont know the right time to communicate with him daily because he’s stressed out and tired and also, he doesn’t have interest in doing so. I just feel for him and I just really want to understand him. it just gets to me sometimes and i feel terribly sad.

    • Thank you for sharing your story.

      It can be difficult to get over needy and clingy behavior when you have so little time together. In your case it would be very important that you plan your time together.

      One thing you can do to possible increase his interest in talking on the phone is to not talk about the problems you’re having in your relationship.

      I’m not saying to ignore the problems, but pushing him to talk about them on the phone is just going to push him further away. You can’t change him, but you can change the way you behave towards him.

      It’s hard to say exactly what you should do, because I don’t know the specifics of your situation. However if you follow the suggestions in the article, you should see some changes, if only in the way you feel. Please come back and let me know if it was helpful.

      Good luck,
      Shoshana

  3. giggles says:

    wow im going through a really tough time right now im 6 months pregnant and the father stay having trust issues with me when i have been the same person since the beginning.. when i met him i had guy friends and an uncle who stays with me and he started coming up with issues accusing me of doing stuff with between me and them cuz of me hanging with them or jjoking he has been cheated on by his ex’s and he always saying that i half to earn my trust in a relationship but i havent done nothing ever but he nip picks at stupid things to accuse me and make me feel like shit and when i get mad at how it makes me feel he doesnt care cuz he feels he right….omg im so lost and depressed…. what to do help….

    • Obviously he has trust issues. They may be because of things he believes he sees in your relationship with other people or it could be emotional baggage he’s carrying from a bad experience with one of the women in his past. Neither of these are things that YOU can solve. These are issues within him.

      You need to focus on yourself and the well-being of your baby. Being in a highly charged emotional state is not good for either of you. Send me a message through the contact page and I’ll try my best to help you.

  4. Rebelprincess says:

    I’m going through a really tough time…My last relationship, two years ago ended because I was clingy… :( I recently got in a new relationship with a totally different guy. I had trust issues with the last one which is another reason why this did not work…NOW…I’m being clingy AGAIN because I’m bored. This is because I recently started college, but I don’t know when my friends can hang out with me…I went through all of the steps/check lists and it really helped me. I realized how I am smart, artistic, strong and unique. I draw, paint, write and am usually happy all the time. I can even play keyboard!!! The woman I want to be is independent, happy, angelic, fun, uplifting, calm, gorgeous and nice to be around. Who I am now is exactly who I was two years ago…sorta… Thankfully this new guy had the decency to SAY I was clingy…and he must want to work it out, because today I didn’t bother him and he wanted me to give him a hug :) I’ve become annoying, a psycho, mad all the time, clingy, mean, stupid, depressed, and I even act like his mom which I see is a TOTAL turn-off!!! Like I said; I don’t tryyy to hang out with my friends, or family, like I should…He doesn’t have many friends either :0 …So I feel so bored all the time, but I ANNOY him when he plays video games, so I’ll never do that again :) PROMISE. HAHA! I love to draw, read, write poems, sing and go outside alone… I do trust this guy, I have not been cheated on, I don’t check his stuff…I don’t think he’ll leave me :) See…the problem is HIS EX cheated on him…so I wonder why I’M the clingy one???? I really don’t know if I’ll see him tomorrow, He has no car, or job so we can’t GO ON REAL DATES :((( I call him too much, so he hasn’t been calling too much..hahah a little though…he also only told me like once that it was a bad time for me to call him…?? I would for sure leave him alone! I would spend time with myself if I KNEW when the heck I’d hang out with him! Truthfully, I don’t wanna hang out with him EVERYDAY! I feel like a pest, and I hate this feeling :o This happened in my past…when my Ex broke up with me he called me CLINGY and WORRIED…I never HAD to deal with my behavior…since that’s why THAT relationship ended…If I don’t talk to him I think he’ll forget I’m alive?? WE SORTA talked about this yesterday, but he said I started to remind him of HIS ex, since she was clingy…… This happened because I was soooo bored and I didn’t put myself in HIS shoes, and was verrryyyy selfish!!! THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP <3 :)

  5. aboakyewaa12 says:

    I really enjoyed reading your article. I must admit that i have a problem like. My boyfriend told me that i am annoying clingy . it all happen when i just want to spend time with him. I barely see him because he always busy and he never communicate with me. so i decided to tell him if we can communicate often because its one of the key to a healthy relationship but i felt like there wasn’t any changes after i told him. I guess i kept on texting and calling him if he don’t reply me back. so i kinda figured that i was doing it too much.
    I have learn to love this guy so much. when we started this whole thing he was the one who was around me all the time, i got used it. it got to a point where i went to his place but i told him i was coming over and when i got there i even texted him to tell him a here and i would like us to talk but he never came out. I knocked on his door he didn’t open. so i texted him saying am leaving and i felt like he was cheating on me. I have never been called a clingy person before until he told me that. He also said, am attempting to stalk him now? knowing that i was coming at his place and stuff, makes me a stalk too ? I told him that, he should take a the space he needs and whenever he feel like talking to me i would be around. and i am going to work myself too because being called a clingy person is not a good things. If he never get at me again then i guess its over but if he ever do, that means who want to work things out. I need advice, please what do you think i should do in this situation ? Thank you.

    • Actually you answered your own question. The best thing to do in your situation is to give him space while working on yourself. Ask yourself what triggered this clinginess in you. Ask people you know if this has ever happended before on a smaller scale. Sometimes it’s good to hear how others see our behavior.

      The thing is, some people require more space in a relationship. In the past you may have dated men or been in relationships with people who enjoyed frequent communication or spending a lot of time together. What was a healthy level of intimacy or affection for them may be clinginess to someone else. You may not be clingy or a stalker, you may have just been in a relationship with thr wrong man.

      Remember, just because you love someone, does not mean you need to be in a relationship with them.

      If he comes back or if you meet someone else you need to talk to them openly about what you need in a relationship as far as space and communication. First, you need to decide what your relationship needs are.

      ~Shoshana

  6. Lyn says:

    I’m struggling so much with this. Does it really go away if you push yourself? I get absolutely devastated by the smallest things…I’ll put all my energy into acting like I’m ecstatic he got tickets to go to a week long festival with his buddies, but then he’ll ask me if I want to do something that night and end up running errands instead and I will be crushed. Literally crushed, to where I sit in silence and obvious crushed-ness with no good excuse for my behaviour. Never wanted a relationship to work so badly, but never been so awful at making it work :(

    • Lyn,

      It’s not about pushing yourself or pretending to be happy. The only way for these feelings to go away is for you to make real changes. A relationship is based on two people with two separate lives coming together. You need to have a life that doesn’t depend on him to bring you happiness.

      You need to be the source of your own happiness. You can do this by rebuilding your life. Reestablish your relationships with friends and family, make new friends and do things you enjoy. Take time to explore your passions, talents and skills. As you become more active in your life you’ll find that you won’t be as needy or clingy.

      You’ll also find that you and your boyfriend will have more to talk about, he’ll find you more interesting and you’ll enjoy the time you have together more. You’ll also find that he’ll be less likely to take you and your time for granted.

      I hope this works out for you,

      ~Shoshana

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